loose ends

im spreading myself & my time too thin too busy trying to please everyone. so i've decided that im just going to cut EVERYONE off and stay to myself & stay in the house. because being nice gets you no where. and now i only have niko.......if even that. i must be in a really down stage to let feelings get involved, but oh well. thats just how it happened. feelings come....and they can easily be gone.

TheRundown.

howdy do fellow bloggers? i know i've been gone for a while, forgive me. but i've been cuddling up with tumblr :/ ahhh, but im back now, so smile :D well, i guess we can get right down to business, eh?

General Life: i havent really been up to much. just working and chilling...the usual. yesterday...well, two days ago i went dorm room shopping and got loads of stuff, and there's still more i have yet to get. im PUMPED!!! my room colors are grey, a muted yellow, white, and the default blue for blogger links lol. that's the best way i could describe it. i originally wanted my room to beb lack, grey, and red, but i swear i could not find ANYTHING with those colors. i felt so defeated :/ so i went to the next best thing. i could have easily done the bright colors like every other girl has and like ive seen in dorm rooms, but those colors would get on my nerves, and i didnt want me and my roommate having any chance of getting our things switched up and confused o_O. speaking of roommates i can't find mine for shit. and it doesnt help that i cant log into my uncg email at all. :( i have to call the school tomorrow to let them know of that problem. my move in day is August 20th. rashaunda and i have the same move in day AND we stay in the same dorm, so you know im excited :D !!!!!! our parents are uber excited too. i would like for them to calm that shit down though!! lol

Personal Life: welp. pat and i....are pat and i. i guess you can call me lady sneakahead now[his twitter name is @dr_sn3kahead23]. he gave me that name by the way. anyway....i dont know how i feel about me and pat. i feel like there could be so much more if i would just put some effort into it. but i find myself not caring for him as much as i care for tia. :/ there are times when i really wish i could make tia mine, but then sometimes she jst makes me go ughhhhhhhhh!!!!! all because she still loves raheem. which i guess i can respect. eh, BLAH! i just know i need something...exciting...something new. or what? idk. but niko is all of that for me. and i feel as if he wants to start someting since he's no longer wth deveny [lord that chick doesnt like m AT ALL, but little does she know that i really have done nothing but be a friend to niko and just listen to him talk. that's it]. and i really wouldn't mind actally giving into my desires of being something to niko but a couple of things bug me. one: people think they have me all figured out and i swear everyone is UL thinks they know who i want/like. smh. two: pat is still there. three: our age difference. im 18. niko is 27. niko is a grown man who was ready and willing to start a family which is DEFINITELY NOT in my near future at all. and sometimes i feel like he just disregards my age, though he's well aware of it. along with everyone else who's knows bout me and niko being as close as we are [alvin & zakiya...and of course my friends know. but i mean on his end] even when tia kind afound out about us, she was like "wtf?! he's a grown man". but *shrug* i can't control that. i sometimes forget his age myself. i forget my own age. this summer all i've been hanging around is 21+ people. i dont know how that happened. but im getting off track...back to the topic at hand. niko was in such a depression for a while and such a funk and all i could do was offer to be his friend and be there for him when he needed to talk. i'd just let him talk...and say what i guess he couldn't tell to deveny. eventually, he got tired of that feeling. i told him he was Lion...he supposed to be strong...but he said he gets tired of being the strong one & why can't he just hurt sometimes? and that kinda hit home for me and my heart went aww. i told him he could lean on me and he simply asked "can you handle all this pain?". well.....all i can do is help him cope with it. and help get his mind off of things. and that's exactly what i do. i'm supposed to be chilling with him tomorrow. who knows how that will go. hopefully i can make my lion smile....a genuine smile. not just one to cover up the pain. that was my goal for this summer, and i can only hope that i can fulfill that goal . not even for me......bur for him.

lonely, again.

its about 4 in the morning & i have nobody to talk to. i used to talk to pat around this time when he was in germany, cause he would be awake, but now he's back home & he's sleep right now, like a normal person should be doing. but i want to talk to him. i miss him. he kinda upset me the other night/morning, but i got over it. i just have this lonely feeling right now. i wanna be all cuddled up & stuff with him right now. ugh, im having a weak moment, but it's all good. haha.


and me being lonely adding on to the fact that im horny as fuck doesnt make this any better. SMDH!